It’s that time of year again when many of my clients and I begin discussing their upcoming family visits for the holidays. If you’ve been in counseling, it’s likely you’ve been reflecting on your childhood or current family relationships. The purpose of therapy isn’t to villainize your family or tarnish your memories, but rather to explore difficult topics that may bring up cha
llenging emotions. As a therapist, I often see how many of our behaviors, thought patterns, and unhealthy dynamics can stem from past wounds—especially from our childhoods, whether intentional or not. You might be feeling anger, sadness, or even confusion as you try to understand family dynamics that only recently became clearer to you.
So how can you navigate family interactions during the holidays when you’re feeling vulnerable or easily triggered?
First, ask yourself whether it’s right for you to be with family during the holidays. It’s perfectly okay to say no. If you’re unsure how to make a change to your traditional holiday plans, this is something you can discuss in depth with your therapist.
Second, set clear boundaries. For example, decide how long you’ll stay or what you’ll tolerate in terms of family interactions. Some emotional boundaries to consider:
- I will not allow anyone to speak to me in a degrading or hurtful way.
- I will not be made fun of or teased; I will not be the punchline of any jokes.
- I will not assume the caretaker role and do everything while others contribute nothing.
Third, if there are certain things your family says or does that feel unsafe, unkind, or hurtful, have a plan for how you will respond. Whether you’re ready to directly assert your boundaries or need to set them more discreetly, it’s helpful to plan in advance. Here are some ways you might respond:
- “I don’t appreciate you speaking to me like that, please stop.”
- “That was hurtful; please do not speak to me that way.”
- “I know I’ve often been the target of jokes, but I don’t find this funny anymore.”
- “I’m busy right now (or I just sat down), but the drinks are in the fridge. Please help yourself.
Fourth, stay grounded! This means staying connected to your own sense of self, your values, and the work you’ve done. Remember your progress and try not to get pulled into old patterns, at the same time have grace towards yourself. It is not realistic to expect to change years of old patterns in one visit (or over multiple visits) or to address all your family’s unhealthy dynamics. Here are some examples of how you can stay grounded:
- If your family tends to be negative and you used to join in, decide that this time you won’t engage or will steer the conversation in a more positive direction.
- If family members bond over inappropriate humor, racist comments, or strong political views, you can choose to calmly disagree or excuse yourself for a walk.
- If a particular family member knows how to push your buttons and get under your skin, you might notice more quickly when you’re getting agitated and choose to change the subject or take deep breaths before reacting.
Lastly, If you have supportive friends or family members, share your feelings ahead of time. Let them know how you’re feeling about your family time and ask if you can reach out to them if you need a break or encouragement. Maybe they can even join you for a walk to help keep you grounded.
Being around family during the holidays can be tough, but if you take the time to reflect on your past experiences and plan ahead, you can set yourself up for a more peaceful and authentic holiday. You’ll be able to stay true to yourself and enjoy the time with your family in a healthier way.
Written by: Aubrey Hutchings, LMHC
