Video games are what? Yes, I know that the screen your children spend time in front of
may seem like the very opposite of a gateway, but hear me out. I love video games, and from
what I’ve observed, so do most of my young clients. If there is one thing that I have found
that gets them to start talking, it’s their favorite games. I spent two sessions trying to talk to
one teen in particular with what felt like very little progress. On the third session, however, I
brought in my Switch and we played a few rounds of Super Smash Bros and I was astonished
at the shift it caused. He told me more about himself in 10 minutes than he had from the
previous two sessions combined!
And this was no anomaly. I have seen teens who have been so shut down and insecure,
but the moment I ask them about the progress they have made in their latest game, they
suddenly light up and speak with a drastically different level of confidence and excitement.
Another client confided in me that they were unsure about therapy at first, but once I had
mentioned my love for Pokemon, they felt comfortable and even excited to start opening up
more.
So what gives? What’s happening that causes these shifts? In short, this is what
happens when someone enters into a child’s (or anyone’s!) world with curiosity.
Renowned play therapist, Garry Landreth, has said that play is the language of children. Simply
showing an interest and willingness to enter into a kid’s world conveys that you want to learn
their language and builds trust- and trust is the key factor when it comes to unlocking deeper
connection.
Turning video games into gateways of connection starts with recognizing this key point:
there is a reason your child’s heart is drawn to a certain game, even if they themselves
aren’t aware of that reason. When you recognize and validate that desire, you begin to see
the world from their perspective. It takes a curious exploration to uncover what your child sees
in their favorite games. And while I don’t recommend openly interrogating your kid about their
favorite game, you can still explore the game yourself, even picking up the controller to enter
into their world, access their language, and see which themes have resonated with their heart.
Some common themes that draw your child in might be…
● Connection: A video game can offer opportunities for play, collaboration, and
connection with peers.
● Autonomy: Maybe your child is finding in their games a world where they have a level
of safety and control they struggle to experience in real life.
● Emotional expression: Your child might be drawn to themes or certain stories or
characters who they relate to.
● Regulation and calming down: Sometimes video games are simply the best way for
your child to regulate emotions.
As positive and full of potential as I believe video games can be, it must be stated that
not all video games are created equal. There are plenty of games out there that contain mature
themes and potentially negative online interactions with others. It is important to be aware of
what games your child is playing and to set boundaries that they can understand. If you
find your child playing a game outside those boundaries, I would continue to urge curiosity as your first response. Even games that you might not want your child playing hold important information about what is happening in their heart, and reactively removing it also removes the opportunity to understand why they were playing it. We close an important opportunity for connection, and instead open the door for misunderstanding and feelings of opposition between parent and child.
In reality, none of this is especially unique to video games. Anything that captures your
child’s interest and passion is a potential gateway for deeper connection. Video games just
happen to be a very popular medium in the current culture of children, adolescents, and teens.
However, what is unique to video games is the negative connotation video games often hold
and the gap of understanding between children and their parents regarding the games’
significance to the children’s lives. I believe it’s important for parents to understand video games’
potential for good. In my experience, shared understanding of video games has created a
level of trust that enables my clients to explore deeper and more vulnerable topics.
In an effort to help bridge the gap between parents and children, I wanted to end with a
list of games that you could explore with your child that appeal to different themes. (Of course,
be sure to check them out for yourself to make sure they fit the criteria of content that you are
fine with your kid playing.)
Recommended list of games:
Problem Solving
– Legend of Zelda
– Portal
– The Outer Wilds
– Scribblenauts
Connection and teamwork:
– Animal Crossing
– Journey
– Stardew Valley
– Fortnite
Expression
– Minecraft
– Roblox
Written by Ryan May
